Dealing With a Partner Who Doesnt Want Change

Dealing With a Partner Who Doesnt Want Change Relationships Spouses & Partners Marital Problems Print Dealing With a Partner Who Doesnt Want Change By Sheri Stritof Sheri Stritof has written about marriage and relationships for 20 years. Shes the co-author of The Everything Great Marriage Book. Learn about our editorial policy Sheri Stritof Updated on October 01, 2018 More in Relationships Spouses & Partners Marital Problems LGBTQ Violence and Abuse Does your spouse complain about not feeling well but wont see a doctor? Does your partner make plans for a romantic evening or getaway with you and then ruin it by being too tired or not feeling well? Does your partner make promises that arent kept? Does your spouse acknowledge that there are problems in your relationship but refuses to change behaviors or see a  marriage counselor with you? If your answer is yes to all or most of these questions, it sounds like you have a spouse or partner who either refuses or is not motivated to change. The frustration of your spouses lack of follow-through on good intentions, or saying one thing and then doing another, or breaking promises can slowly erode both the emotional and physical intimacy in your marriage.  This frustration can be heightened if your spouse refuses to seek marriage counseling  with you. What can you do when faced with a spouse who has a serious problem or troubling behavior? Here are some examples of a spouses behavior that may destroy or cause major friction  in your marriage:?? gamblinggetting drunk often or drinking too muchspending too much moneyhaving a very negative attitudenot able to hold down a jobemotionally or physically abusivedoesnt make time for the children or youfrequently unfaithful   If your spouse wont change, isnt willing to work on improving your marriage, or wont seek help, you may be on the path to divorce. Although it isnt easy to cope with this type of situation, heres some guidance on how you can deal with a difficult marriage when only one of you wants change. There are no easy answers when your spouse can see no reason for a change. Some situations can be dealt with and other situations are deal-breakers. Only you know what you can tolerate and still be emotionally healthy yourself. You Cant Change Your Spouse Accept that you cant change your spouse. You can only change yourself and your own reactions. Changing your own behavior may trigger your spouse to want to make changes.??Respond differently to difficult situations. If youve had the same argument over and over, state that you will not rehash the issue and leave the room. If youve not expressed your feelings previously, share how you feel with your spouse.Never endanger yourself or your children by remaining in an  abusive situation. Know Yourself Get to know yourself and look at your own attitudes, behaviors, expectations, hopes, dreams, memories, concerns, behavior triggers, fears, etc. Ask yourself how long you think you can stay in your marriage if things dont improve.Consider individual counseling to prevent feeling depressed or helpless, to understand your role in the conflict in your marriage, and to clarify your plans for your future.??Decide which of your spouses negative behaviors you can live with and which ones are deal-breakers. Decide if you are able to adjust to the irritating and hurtful situations in your marriage or not. Face The Issues Realize that your spouse may not be as frustrated and unhappy as you are.While sharing your love for your spouse, express your concerns and fears about the future of your marriage. If you are having doubts about your love, make a list of what you love about your partner.Dont postpone having a conversation with your spouse to identify the behaviors and face the issues that are creating problems in your marriage.?? Strategies for Difficult Conversations   Pick a location for the conversation that is free of distractions.Choose a time when neither of you is tired.Be warm and not confrontational.Dont lecture.Stay on the topic.Identify the problem.Clarify how the problem is impacting your marriage.Talk about what you want in your relationship, not about what you dont want. Discuss what makes you both happy and fulfilled.??Brainstorm and discuss solutions to the problem. Bring up the possibility of marriage counseling.Agree to set a time frame to re-evaluate how things are going.Try saying something like this: We disagree a lot and its causing disconnection between us. Thats why I would like for us to go to seek couples therapy. or I love you and I care about us. I need some help in learning how to communicate with you better. I would like to try counseling with you. Re-Evaluate If things are not going well when the two of you are ready to re-evaluate your marriage issues, think about these questions: Is this a temporary crisis or the end of your marriage?What is the best thing that could happen if you stay together?What is the best thing that could happen if you divorce?What is the worst thing that could happen if you stay together?What is the worst thing that could happen if you divorce?Even if you believe your marriage is over, try one more time. Dont leave without telling your spouse you dont think the two of you can save your marriage without professional help.